Toxic Shame- What If Mom was wrong…

Hey everyone,

Hope you’re having a day where your internet doesn’t buffer. 🙏

So, let’s talk about something heavy, but I’ll try to keep it light. Like a good tiramisu.

We’ve all done stuff we’re not proud of. Maybe you ate the last slice of pizza you were saving. Or you told a little white lie.

You feel a little bad. That’s normal shame. It’s like your conscience saying, “Hey, maybe don’t do that again.” It passes.

But what if that feeling… never leaves?

What if you walk around feeling like you are the mistake?

That, my friends, is the difference between guilt and toxic shame.

Guilt says: “I did something bad.” Toxic shame says: “I AM bad.”

It’s a core feeling that you are fundamentally broken, worthless, and unlovable. And it’s a total lie.

How Did This Happen? (The Mom Chapter)

Now, before we go on, let me be clear. I’m not here to mom-bash. Most moms are doing their best with the tools they have.

But for a lot of us, this is where the programming started.

Toxic shame is often installed by our earliest caregivers, and yeah, that’s usually mom.

It doesn’t always look like screaming. Sometimes it’s super sneaky.

It sounds like:

· “Why can’t you be more like your sister?”
· “I guess I just love you too much.” (After you set a boundary)
· “We don’t talk about family business outside this house.”
· Silent treatment that could freeze a volcano. ❄️

The message isn’t about your behavior. The message is about your worth.

It’s the feeling that your love is conditional. You must be perfect, quiet, helpful, or successful to be worthy of connection.

So you learn to wear a mask. And you forget who you really are underneath it.

How You Sabotage Your Own Awesome Life

Here’s the really wild part. This belief that you’re “not enough” becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You start to sabotage yourself because deep down, you think you don’t deserve good things.

· You land a great job… and then show up late the first week.
· You meet an amazing person… and pick a fight over nothing.
· You finally save some money… and then “accidentally” spend it all.

It’s like your subconscious is trying to prove the toxic shame right. “See? I told you I was a failure.”

It’s your inner Hulk, smashing the good things you built because it’s scared of them.

Why You’re Attracted to People Who Treat You Like Garbage

This one is a doozy.

If you grew up with love that felt conditional or critical, that feels like “home.” Your nervous system recognizes that chaotic, anxious feeling as familiar. As love.

So you might find yourself in toxic relationships with people who:

· Ignore your boundaries.
· Make you feel like you have to earn their affection.
· Are hot and cold. (One minute they’re your biggest fan, the next they’re ignoring you)

It feels exciting because you’re constantly trying to “win” their love. It feels like the game you learned to play as a kid.

A healthy, stable, respectful partner might even feel… boring. Because it doesn’t replicate that old, familiar anxiety. Your brain goes, “Where’s the drama? This can’t be love.”

It’s like being offered a filet mignon when you’ve only ever eaten at Taco Bell. Your body doesn’t know what to do with it.

The Exhausting Life of a People Pleaser

And finally, we get to people pleasing.

This is the ultimate survival tactic for someone with toxic shame.

If I can just be what you want me to be… If I can never say no… If I can anticipate your every need and make you happy…

Then maybe, just maybe, you will love me and I will finally be enough.

Spoiler alert: It doesn’t work. It just leaves you exhausted, resentful, and further away from your true self.

You abandon yourself to try and gain approval from others. It’s a losing game.

So, What Now?

The first step is just to notice. To see the pattern.

Oh, there I go again, saying “sorry” for existing. Oh, there I am, attracted to another emotionally unavailable person. Classic. Oh, I just agreed to something I hate because I was scared they’d be mad.

You can’t fix what you don’t see.

The good news? That feeling of being “bad” is not a truth. It’s a wound. And wounds can heal.

It starts by being kinder to yourself than that critical voice in your head. It starts by choosing yourself, even when it feels scary.

You are not the problem. You never were.

Be good to yourself. See ya soon.

-Mario